Uncomfortable

Change is uncomfortable. But that is where God wants us, out of our comfort zone willing to do as he desires.

Over the past two years God has shown me so many things that I had placed before him in my life. One of which was my sisters approval of me. I had placed her on a pedestal and tried to make my life mirror hers. She and her family had grown so much in Christ and I wanted what she had. From September 2007 forward Satan began to attack her and her marriage and I watched (still am really) a very strong Christian woman and marriage crumble. She is being so deceived by the enemy and it breaks my heart. But through that God revealed to me that I was giving her approval rating of my life more importance than his.

I readjusted my thinking and focusing and thought I was good. My focus was on God I was getting more involved with church, I'm good. right? NOPE, then God began to work on my relationship with my parents. This fine tuning was harder to take and grasp. It was not until this past Christmas that God really, really showed me -"hey you care way more about their acceptance of you than mine. You yearn to much to hear them say well done, then to hear me." I see it now and I realize that I have spent a lot of years worrying, stressing, adjusting plans, etc all to make them happy and to hear them say "great job" . Dont get me wrong I have wonderful parents and they love me more than anything. But so many times as an adult I did things not because God wanted me to but because I hoped it would win me favor with my parents.

Like I mentioned this did not truly hit home until recently. My parents and I have not talked since Dec. 25th. I hate it. I pray about it yet feel God saying wait. Wait. Wait. Yet I read FB comments between my Mom and sister and feel left out and unwanted. Why dont they want to talk to me? DO they not miss me or my kids? Just now I saw a comment from my mom about my sister being "the best ever!" really?? Ouch! that hurts. Yet I know God is working and God is healing. This is the third time in two years that my parents and I are not speaking. Each time starts out easier but as it progresses I wonder will we talk again? The times before I see now that I caved. I missed communicating with them so much that I made the first move to rebuild the situation with out seeking God first.

They say the more you resist God changing you the longer it will take once you give in. So God, how long? And what is it going to look like?

Not talking to them leaves me feeling so alone sometimes, like and orphan. Yet as I type this I feel God saying - hey you got me? am i not enough?- AND my heart answers- "oh God you are MORE than enough! Silly me for thinking I needed more!"

For God you are my God and I will ever praise you. I will seek you in the morning and learn to walk in your way. And step by step YOU lead me. And I will follow you ALL OF MY DAY!